It’s been somewhere between a blink of an eye and a lifetime. It certainly feels like both.
It’s been a lot. Too much to process even, so it took me till now – the beginning of may – to wake from the dream like state that is constant overwhelm, and find my way back into reality, just to find myself somewhere I’ve never been before and someone I never knew I was.
So having finally arrived in this new chapter of the journey –
Let’s catch up!
Turning Leaves, Turning Pages
In my last post about half a year ago, I wrote about some change that was going to happen and how it felt like an eternity to wait. It didn’t take long for said eternity to turn into a tiny droplet of time…
Autumn came around. And so did the possibly greatest change in my life so far;
My first ever move.
From the village I grew up in, to a major metropole.
And it just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t make it extra adventurous.
There have been a lot of complicated and some quite personal reasons as to how this came about, but it’s most easily explained in basic math:
Long distance relationship – (Car + driver’s licence) + Disability =
“Oh! So this is how cats feel when their family moves house!”
So with my belongings tightly packed into a big, white van and myself secured on the passenger seat (next to my lovely family member who offered to help out) – off I went to a place I never visited before, into a city I’ve never even seen.
After a day of driving and enough adrenaline to make a dragon have a heart attack, we arrived in what I can only describe as a surreal, fast forwarded montage of days filled with cardboard, screwdrivers and much more cardboard, as we unpacked and built what would become our new home.
We didn’t really have much furniture to bring to the new place and while we were fortunate enough to get every single helping hand we could’ve needed and some amazing hand-me-downs, we still knew we’d need a lot of new stuff.
(like a kitchen, a bed, etc.)
My conscience has never been worse than the pre-move-weeks in which my wonderful partner dragged me through IKEA and basically told me to stop worrying and just point at things I liked and leave the math up to him.
Not “only” did he give me a mountain of nice things – he gave me control where I otherwise had none and a project to be excited about, which helped my brain cope with all the change so much better.
Much more cardboard.
And so the days flew by and the season went on.
It was time to settle in.
Season Of Stillness, Season Of Knowing
Trigger warning!
– Ableism
– Abuse
As winter rolled around, the changes didn’t stop.
After decades of uncertainty and years of waiting – I got my autism diagnosis!
This changed nothing and everything.
First it brought light into previously impenetrable darkness. It brought clarity, relief and options.
It brought understanding.
Then it brought pain.
Grieving a life I could’ve had and a girl that wouldn’t have had to go through what she did.
Grieving a youth I’d never get back.
Grieving everything I lost and evrerything I couldn’t do, just because I didn’t have that one word to explain myself in a way, that would’ve been seen as “valid”.
It’s not the positive feelings I usually like to write about but I think it’s important to mention, because I learned it’s painfully common for this to happen.
We loose people we didn’t know we lost already. People we now can’t excuse anymore because even “They couldn’t have known better” just won’t cover the wounds anymore.
Once there’s light in the darkness it also shines light on betrayl and abuse we would’ve hidden under faulting ourselves for – but what is a child to do, other than cry when it’s in pain?
Not even Wildflowers are able to blossom in winter.
Time To Thaw
For the world and my heart.
As the warm rays of the graciously returning sun tickled tiny buds and smiles of mine back into our everchanging scape.
Gone are the tears and midnight talks.
How could I possibly cry when there’s bird song cheering me up and barely a waking hour that isn’t bright?
How could I possible feel numb when the air smells like fresh grass and rain and there’s bumblebees… just… existing!
I don’t think I am physically capable of feeling anything but joy in the presence of a bumblebee…
And when am I supposed to find the time to cry when there’s my very own tiny balcony waiting for me to enjoy?
But that’s a story for it’s own post! ^^
The past few weeks – thanks to longer days, nature re-awakening and enough time having passed to process and heal
– I really got back into all the things I love.
I’m back to crocheting for charity, knitting socks and reading more than ever before.
I even started some new to me hobbies because clearly I still don’t have enough of those yet.
Sashiko and English Paper Piecing – both fibercrafts of course XD
I even was able to have a friend over for a few days, which is something I haven’t been able to do in years! It was amazing!
And I’m so excited and hopeful that I’ll be able to do more of that going forward!
Over the past years, meeting friends was an extremely rare treat for me and even having a call with one was a delicate balance between fulfilling my social needs, managing something I now know is autistic masking and over compensating for being overwhelmed and not burning myself out in a single call so much, that I have to spend the next few days in bed with a terrible headache and on the edge of a melt down.
My social life is something I’m really looking forward to improving this year, along with learning to be my true self around the people I love.
I’m even working on hosting a pen&paper campaign! – Another topic I feel inspired to write about.
The Season Of Light
As you might be able to tell, I’m immensely inspired and full of energy!
There’s so many things I want to explore and do and write about it’s hard to even find where to start.
It’s like my inspiration has had a whole half a year of hybernation and has returned to strike my little world with the fierceness of a thousand hyperactive squirrels!
Let’s be creative, excited and find joy in this new season!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my rambling!
May your days be filled with golden light and inspiratin
Have a wonderful week!
Snowdrop
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